chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
