Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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