I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
