And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
