Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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