the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
