Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
