I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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