If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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