And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I think my vagina is haunted
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
