We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
