May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
