Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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