I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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