Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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