She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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