You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
