So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
