i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
