It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
