I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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