halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
