Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
