toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
