i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
