Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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