I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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