Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
