I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
