so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
