I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
