i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
