I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
