so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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