No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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