I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
