apparently the secret to your success is patron
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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