and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
