his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
