I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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