just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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