hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
