Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
