I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
