i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
