Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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