I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
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