she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
