We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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