it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
did i walk over a car last night?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Every concussion has its silver lining
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
the liver wants what the liver wants
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
